Area man hospitalized by “100 cm Diet”

Salad greens sprouting (Photo credit: Narisa)

It seems like everyday there’s a new diet craze:  the 100-mile diet, the fast diet, the paleo diet, or even the Chinavore diet.  The 100cm diet, started by Rebecca Dunsmuir, may be the latest, but when area man, Max Maurier, ended up in intensive care, one has to wonder if it’s the greatest.

“I was praying to God for an ant to crawl by, I needed the protein”

When Maurier heard Dunsmuir’s diet consisted of living solely off  bean sprouts grown in a 100cm-squared milk carton, he started the next day.  “I’m into local, and this is about as local as you can get.”  But it wasn’t very long before Maurier’s experiment went disastrous.   Only having read the first chapter, Maurier believed you could only have one container, while Koontz advises at least two dozen.

“I was eating 200 grams of bean sprouts every three days, praying to God an ant would crawl in the container for protein.  The next thing I knew my tongue was as thick as my forearm, and I was hallucinating and lying on the bathroom floor.”

The doctors who are treating Maurier say he’s lucky to be alive after a twenty-five day stint on this diet.  When he arrived at the ER he had pneumonia, scurvy, fever, chlamydia, and botulism.   “If the soil wasn’t rich in beetles, this man would probably be dead.”

Before embarking on a new diet, Hammer in the News would like to remind you to consult your physician, and do your research.

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Multi-faith school funding debate rekindled by Kim Mitchell-inspired religion

Will this man be the next Buddha (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The debate over public funding for faith-based schools in Ontario has heated up once again, and a new voice has entered the debate.  A small but growing religion called “Akimboism” has applied for funding to operate a school in Newmarket and they say they are willing to take the matter to court.  “Akimboism” is a relatively new faith-based on the philosophies expounded in the music of Kim Mitchell and Pye Dubois.  The fast growing creed seems to have struck a chord with residents of Toronto’s suburbs.

We spoke with one of “Akimboism’s” founders Craig Prince on Tuesday.  He explained the origins of his faith and their upcoming court battle.  “Like everyone in the late seventies, I knew about the music of Max Webster.  But I thought they were just another ‘Crowbar’ or ‘Chilliwack.’  But that was before I heard ‘Akimbo Alogo.'”

Prentice is speaking about Kim Mitchell’s platinum selling 1985 album, famous for singles; “Go For a Soda” and “Lager and Ale.”  He continued, “when I heard Akimbo, I realized that it was about more than music, it is a way of seeing the world.  The first words you hear on the album are ‘might as well go for a soda, nobody hurts, and nobody cries.’  When I heard those words, something clicked, I quit drinking immediately and started playing the record for everyone I could. I told people, ‘life is like a bomb inside your head,’ we need to make it a bomb of love.  I was sure that if we all just took a deep breath and cleared our heads, that love would triumph, and I believe that to this day.”

Throughout the Eighties and Nineties Prentice’s faith grew.  He humbly spread the word, and in 1999, coinciding with the

This album cover almost caused a rift in Akimboism, and is debated by religious scholars

release of Mitchell’s album ‘Kimosabe,’ opened the first church of ‘Akimboism.’

Now, things have gone so well that Prentice is prepared to take Akimboism to the next level.  “We’re not going to hide anymore.  I encourage anyone who finds this intriguing to attend one of our weekly BBQ’s.  You’ll know us by our long hair and baseball caps, and yes…patio lanterns.  They’re like stars in the sky.  Every religion deserves the right to teach their faith to as many people as possible.  We believe that the Charter is on our side and we’re prepared to fight for what we believe in.  I like to think that we’re just doing our rock and roll duty.”

Premier Kathleen Wynne was unavailable for comment.  However, Conservative Tim Hudak told Hammer in the News that he still “firmly supports funding all faith-based schools.”  Could we see a school devoted to teaching of Akimboism in the near future?  For now, it’s a matter for the courts.

-Walter Langowski

For an example of the stirring power of Kim Mitchell’s music, click Here.

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Doors Open Hamilton: 5 Must-See Future Heritage Buildings

New emphasis on modern historical buildings

Today’s modern building is tomorrow’s heritage site.  Doors Open is a fabulous chance to see Hamilton as it was by touring heritage buildings still standing proud.   Historically significant places like the Griffin House, the hermitage, and Dundurn Castle are usually the highlights of each year’s show.  This year, however, Doors Open will focus on recent history.

Hammer In The News has five, hand-picked suggestions to make the most of your tour.

Where the mighty Zellers once stood (photo|Joanna St. Jacques)

Zeller’s and Centre Mall (Target, various big box stores), 1211 Barton St E, Hamilton

As Zeller’s fades into history, Target Canada has given Hamiltonians a chance to see Zellers once again.  Zeddy, the unforgettable teddy bear mascot, is taking a day trip from Camp Trilium Tours to showcase the “$2 Zeddy chair  ride”, menus from the critically acclaimed in-store restaurant, and a timeline of Zeller’s keychains.  This is a must-see for shoppers, as the entire nature of department stores change.

Harvest Burger (A & W) – 194 King Street W, Hamilton

Harvest Burger, once an A & W, returns to its root beer. (photo | Seema Narula)

This stop is really a two-for-one as Harvest Burger is now an A & W for the second time.  This tour will feature “roller skate” girls, a nod to A & W’s past, and beer taps that served Harvest Burger’s once-active, after-Hess crowds.  Even the guy in the plaid jacket who was always working on a pitcher of Blue will be there.  You can’t miss this tip of the hat to the geometrically sharp architecture of the 70s.

Millionaire Drive-In – Upper James St, Southwest corner

Standing on the concrete, surrounded by big box stores, you have to squint your eyes to imagine watching Jaws through the back window of your pea soup-green Gremlin, on Hamilton’s Millionaire Drive-in screen.   A projection screen in front of TD Canada and Framing Art will be showing vintage films all day in one of Upper James’ busiest strip malls.   BYOP (Bring your own popcorn).

The BMO is banking on your visits this weekend (photo | Joanna St. Jacques)

Joanna St. Jacques

Shopper’s Drug Mart (BMO) – James St S

Paul Wilson’s touching story of Shopper’s transformation into a BMO highlighted a troubling trend.  Modern buildings are given no consideration for their future status as a heritage building.  While maintaining some of the original facade, tour guides will point out how BMO butchered their chance to preserve a modern masterpiece from the “drugstore renaissance” of the 80s.

Silver City Cineplex (Marshall’s) – Upper James

The Marshall’s has done its best to capture the gaudy glamour of the modern movie theatre, though falls slightly short of the mark.  That doesn’t mean this will be a boring tour, though.  Marshall’s employees have kept their label makers busy, and will have the names of their favourite movies underneath their name tag.  Show up on Saturday afternoon, and you may spot a special surprise – Lou Conelli, the former concession stand manager will be sitting in for a Q & A.

Enjoy your day, and make sure you stop at these future heritage sites.

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Always Fresh? Tim Hortons identifies “toxic barrels” as failed latte recipes

A more common losing cup. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Ministry of Environment made the largest ‘Timmies run’ in history this morning, as their frantic search to identify 100s of allegedly toxic barrels, stored deep in an abandoned warehouse on 350 Wentworth St. N., came to a close.   Cap in hand, Tim Hortons’ research team served up 346 barrels of failed latte recipes to a relieved MOE.

“We’ve never seen this level of concealment before,” says MOE spokesperson, Jenny Hill.  “We’re just happy no one’s in danger, after all the speculation.”

The variety of ill-fated flavours includes sushi latte, Pacific Salmon latte, bacon latte, and tropic of citrus latte – a 7-fruit blend including pineapple, lemon, lime, orange, mango, guava, and corn syrup.

“Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit”

Tim Hortons CEO, Paul D. House, went on record on Steve Paikin‘s “The Agenda” saying, “Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit.  Every company has crazy R&D ideas, we just wanted to keep ours hidden.   I apologize for the waste of time it has been for the Ministry, and as a goodwill gesture, I’d like to offer the employees involved in the investigation a barrel of whichever flavour struck their fancy.”

House doesn’t expect their to be much of a fallout, in terms of consumer reaction, but as they say in the business, you can’t unroll a rim once it’s been rolled up.

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Nude Life Fitness: “Get Buff in the Buff”

“Free”-style (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When a naked yoga studio opened in Edmonton, the prairies weren’t ready for the peaks and valleys they saw.  But here in the gritty city of Hamilton we’re lining up for Nude Life Fitness, the West Mountain’s fully equiped fitness complex.

“Can you bare it?” asks the pink neon sign adorning the dark tinted windows of a nondescript strip-mall.   As I enter the flesh centre (the name for the main workout room), what I see is a typical workout facility.  The man on the elliptical listening to his iPod, getting into his swing.  A heavy-set woman dead-lifting, and a man skipping rope.  Of course, unlike the YMCA (which makes you wear underwear), everyone is naked.

No Shame, No Gain

Barbara Goldstein, the brains behind Nude Life, explains, “If you have a rock solid body, how many people are going to see it?  Your spouse, your partner, a few people at the beach?  If you go to Nude Life, hundreds will see you – it’s a reward for your hard work.  On the flip side, if your a little pudgy around the edges, the shame of working out naked is just the motivator you need.  It’s about honesty.”

Giving  new meaning to private training, Barbara’s staff does one-on-one training, too.  “You have to think of the trainers like nurses, there’s nothing they haven’t seen.  It’s all out in the flesh centre, so there’s no room for hanky panky.”  If you’re intimidated by private sessions, you can join one of the classes, Burn me on, Excite Bike, Booty Camp, Dr. Peacock’s medicine balls and 20/20 Zumba.

Putting the Strip in Strip Mall

The feedback from the community has been mixed.  The patrons I talked to say they love the freedom, but it’s a bit tiresome for the eyes.  Neighboring businesses worry the type of clientele it will bring to the sleepy West Mountain.  “If you are willing to parade around your body, what else are you willing to do?  I worry for the safety of our families,” says Shafir Abdul, owner of Always Time Convenience Market.

Nude Life Fitness invites people to come and form their own opinions at their Open House, Saturday, May 4th, 2pm-4pm.  Dress code? Casual
Harvard Square Shopping Centre.  Mohawk Rd W and  Magnolia Dr.

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Terry Whitehead Gives Mad Props to Hammer In The News

War of the worlds, the Boston Marathon, and Hammer In The News.

Crowbar Restaurant Pries Away Barton’s Sketchy Image

By Gore Vidal Park

Barton Village about to get a makeover | Photo Joanna St. Jacques

The venerable Crowbar restaurant, at Barton East and Elgin is in for a
name-change.

Barton Village Business Improvement Association President Jerry Canelli
is thrilled with the news.  “Barton’s back, baby!  When they put in the
new Beer Store, they made it a drive through because people were afraid
to leave their cars with a criminal themed restaurant on the corner.”

“It was really bringing down the property values here.  You got
everything you need right here: big parking lots, a funeral home, a few
rub and tugs, the detention centre, and yet nothing was taking off
around here.  Why?  Because you have a restaurant that just screams
‘hug-a-thug’.  That doesn’t belong on Trendy Barton Street.”

Crowbar owner Chris Bacon is non-plussed.  “I don’t get what the big
fuss is.  I named it Crowbar after Kelly Jay’s great Hamilton band.

For all these years, I never knew people associated it with the jail!
Once Mr. Cannoli  pointed that out, I knew I had to change it right
away.“

Not everyone is pleased.  Local hip-hop magnate Larry D-Money decries
the gentrification.  “We used to have the whole Stainless Steel crew
shooting their straight-to-youtube vids down here on Barton, but the
street’s no longer gangster, or even ganja.”  Jigz Crillz had to shoot
his last video at the City Motor Hotel.  ”

That’s forty minutes of his
time on the number 2 bus, rather than in the studio.”

But Bacon has no regrets with the name change, even though the
transition has been bumpy. “At first, to be true to Crowbar, I called
it “Oh What a Feeling” and put up a big neon sign, but then I got a lot
of people confusing it with Hamilton Strip.  So I’m having to change
the name again.”

When asked about what the new name will be, he hesitates.  “I’ve chosen
a name that fits with Barton’s new upscale image, but I’m still going
to name it after another great Hamilton band… I’m going to reopen as
Junkhouse.”

 

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BREAKING: Cranky Council Considers Only Virtual Meetings

The hot pocket | photo by Joanna St. Jacques

In response to the breakdown of the decorum at last night’s Hamilton city council meeting, council has drafted a resolution which will limit counselors to only using BlackBerry chat to conduct its meetings.

“We believe that using BlackBerry group chat would serve as a better medium than actually speaking to each other face-to-face. Councillors will still be able to express emotions within the group chat by utilizing emoticons,” said an unnamed city clerk.

It’s a health and safety issue that caused concern amongst councillors and staff that sparked the idea of finding new ways to conduct council meetings.

“We were afraid that if another meeting is conducted face-to-face, someone is going to get hurt. Have you seen the size of Sam Merulla’s biceps? Just look at how big that Jason Farr is! Brad Clark can really spin that cane.  And I’m pretty sure that Maria Pearson is a black belt in jujitsu.”

Council will have to decide on this idea in person before the new policy can take effect. There is talk of having a police presence or possibly a UFC referee attend the meeting to ratify this resolution.

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Oprah slags Hamilton: It’s ‘a one-poutinerie town’

Oprah Winfrey Flashing Hamilton a fake smile, inwardly judging us. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Bart Sherman, author of “Diagonal Lawn” story

Barely a week after taking the stage in front of thousands of admirers in Hamilton, Oprah Winfrey is attacking the city with both barrels.

Appearing Saturday on the New Arsenio Hall Show, Winfrey – wearing the very same buttercup yellow dress she wore at Copps Coliseum last Saturday – went on a long rant against the city and its people.

“Have you ever been to Hamster Town, Arsenio?” Winfrey asked the host, leaning in with a smile. “It’s a one-poutinerie-town way up in Canada, Arsenio. Don’t go there, man. Literally.  They’re so pro-foreskin up there, it ain’t funny.  I had Stedman wait in the limo.  He’s been limping, lately, after his surgery.”

About 14,000 ‘Church of Winfrey’ followers filed into Copps for Oprah Winfrey’s roadshow on April 13. Despite the best efforts of organizers and an over-willing local media, the show did not sell out.

Winfrey’s apparently sore about that, too.

“I prepared so hard for that show, Arsenio,” she said. “And those people dressed like slobs — I told them they were the best-dressed people I’d ever seen but I was joking! That place should have been packed to see someone turned out as fine as me!”

A Nightmare With Dolphins

Big Yellow Oprah said she was disgusted and disappointed by a backstage meeting of “prominent” Hamiltonians, where she was introduced to veteran outlaw graffiti artist Keenur, Tomi Swick, jazz songstress and Seniors Head vocalist Jude Johnson, and former mayor Bob Morrow. There were also  photographs of Daniel Lanois and Martin Short in the room.

Winfrey told Hall she would never return to the Steel City, and urged everyone else to avoid it, too.

“Follow your dreams, people, but if the road goes through Hamilton, consider that dream a nightmare,” she said, adding the only interesting thing in the city was the killer whale and dolphins jumping around in the harbour.

“They look so so cute I could eat them,” she said.  “Stedman! Fetch me the yacht.”

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List Review of 21 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity

A triumph of the human spirit.

A devout list-lover could spend hours looking at Buzzfeed’s amazing lists like the 7 Types of Crying Selfies You’ve Seen on Facebook, or 16 Street Gangs You’d Totally Join, and 21 Signs You Were Raised by Asian Immigrants.

This week’s list comes from the good people at BuzzFeed.  21 Pictures that Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity was compiled by Jack Shepherd, the current community manager of BuzzFeed. And like so many great listers, he lives with his cats in NYC.

Each of Shepherd’s “moments” are written in the neutral, Helvetica font, which allows the content to speak, not the font.

His clear and anecdotal voice lets the reader get the gist of the story behind the photos, but allowing for personal reflection.   And he really starts delivering at item #19 – This exchange between a protester and a soldier during a protest in Brazil.

Allowing the pictures to do the talking, Shepherd shares a story of a protest in Brazil. One of the army generals asks the people to stop protesting because it is his birthday.  The protestors buy the general a birthday cake, and major hugging ensues. And to quote Shepherd, “Faith in Humanity: Restored.”

The most surprising item is #3, where three young men rescue a sheep from certain death (pictured right). The sheep had fallen into the treacherous sea, and through a riveting series of photographs, we see one man jumping at his own risk to save this sheep.  It is a testament to their bravery.

It’s ironic that 21 Pictures that Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity contained so many photos about animals. Is it because we don’t have enough pictures online of people doing nice things for people? Or is that cute animals are our go-to when we feel a little hopeless (those cute little cats getting air from the fireman did make me pretty happy).

21 Pictures that Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity resonates with the crowd that feels like the world lacks hope.  Shepherd realizes the right photos can remind us that love abounds, and distracts us from war, famine, and marathon terrorism.   And, for the most part, he delivers.

I give this list 3 check-marks out of 5.

Cheers!

By Elisha Stam

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