Area man hospitalized by “100 cm Diet”

Salad greens sprouting

Salad greens sprouting (Photo credit: Narisa)

It seems like everyday there’s a new diet craze:  the 100-mile diet, the fast diet, the paleo diet, or even the Chinavore diet.  The 100cm diet, started by Rebecca Dunsmuir, may be the latest, but when area man, Max Maurier, ended up in intensive care, one has to wonder if it’s the greatest.

“I was praying to God for an ant to crawl by, I needed the protein”

When Maurier heard Dunsmuir’s diet consisted of living solely off  bean sprouts grown in a 100cm-squared milk carton, he started the next day.  “I’m into local, and this is about as local as you can get.”  But it wasn’t very long before Maurier’s experiment went disastrous.   Only having read the first chapter, Maurier believed you could only have one container, while Koontz advises at least two dozen.

“I was eating 200 grams of bean sprouts every three days, praying to God an ant would crawl in the container for protein.  The next thing I knew my tongue was as thick as my forearm, and I was hallucinating and lying on the bathroom floor.”

The doctors who are treating Maurier say he’s lucky to be alive after a twenty-five day stint on this diet.  When he arrived at the ER he had pneumonia, scurvy, fever, chlamydia, and botulism.   “If the soil wasn’t rich in beetles, this man would probably be dead.”

Before embarking on a new diet, Hammer in the News would like to remind you to consult your physician, and do your research.

Doors Open Hamilton: 5 Must-See Future Heritage Buildings

Doors_Open Hamilton

New emphasis on modern historical buildings

Today’s modern building is tomorrow’s heritage site.  Doors Open is a fabulous chance to see Hamilton as it was by touring heritage buildings still standing proud.   Historically significant places like the Griffin House, the hermitage, and Dundurn Castle are usually the highlights of each year’s show.  This year, however, Doors Open will focus on recent history.

Hammer In The News has five, hand-picked suggestions to make the most of your tour.

Target

Where the mighty Zellers once stood (photo|Joanna St. Jacques)

Zeller’s and Centre Mall (Target, various big box stores), 1211 Barton St E, Hamilton

As Zeller’s fades into history, Target Canada has given Hamiltonians a chance to see Zellers once again.  Zeddy, the unforgettable teddy bear mascot, is taking a day trip from Camp Trilium Tours to showcase the “$2 Zeddy chair  ride”, menus from the critically acclaimed in-store restaurant, and a timeline of Zeller’s keychains.  This is a must-see for shoppers, as the entire nature of department stores change.

Harvest Burger (A & W) – 194 King Street W, Hamilton

Harvest Burger

Harvest Burger, once an A & W, returns to its root beer. (photo | Seema Narula)

This stop is really a two-for-one as Harvest Burger is now an A & W for the second time.  This tour will feature “roller skate” girls, a nod to A & W’s past, and beer taps that served Harvest Burger’s once-active, after-Hess crowds.  Even the guy in the plaid jacket who was always working on a pitcher of Blue will be there.  You can’t miss this tip of the hat to the geometrically sharp architecture of the 70s.

Millionaire Drive-In – Upper James St, Southwest corner

Standing on the concrete, surrounded by big box stores, you have to squint your eyes to imagine watching Jaws through the back window of your pea soup-green Gremlin, on Hamilton’s Millionaire Drive-in screen.   A projection screen in front of TD Canada and Framing Art will be showing vintage films all day in one of Upper James’ busiest strip malls.   BYOP (Bring your own popcorn).

BMO

The BMO is banking on your visits this weekend (photo | Joanna St. Jacques)

Joanna St. Jacques

Shopper’s Drug Mart (BMO) – James St S

Paul Wilson’s touching story of Shopper’s transformation into a BMO highlighted a troubling trend.  Modern buildings are given no consideration for their future status as a heritage building.  While maintaining some of the original facade, tour guides will point out how BMO butchered their chance to preserve a modern masterpiece from the “drugstore renaissance” of the 80s.

Silver City Cineplex (Marshall’s) – Upper James

The Marshall’s has done its best to capture the gaudy glamour of the modern movie theatre, though falls slightly short of the mark.  That doesn’t mean this will be a boring tour, though.  Marshall’s employees have kept their label makers busy, and will have the names of their favourite movies underneath their name tag.  Show up on Saturday afternoon, and you may spot a special surprise – Lou Conelli, the former concession stand manager will be sitting in for a Q & A.

Enjoy your day, and make sure you stop at these future heritage sites.

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Always Fresh? Tim Hortons identifies “toxic barrels” as failed latte recipes

A more common losing cup.

A more common losing cup. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Ministry of Environment made the largest ‘Timmies run’ in history this morning, as their frantic search to identify 100s of allegedly toxic barrels, stored deep in an abandoned warehouse on 350 Wentworth St. N., came to a close.   Cap in hand, Tim Hortons’ research team served up 346 barrels of failed latte recipes to a relieved MOE.

“We’ve never seen this level of concealment before,” says MOE spokesperson, Jenny Hill.  “We’re just happy no one’s in danger, after all the speculation.”

The variety of ill-fated flavours includes sushi latte, Pacific Salmon latte, bacon latte, and tropic of citrus latte – a 7-fruit blend including pineapple, lemon, lime, orange, mango, guava, and corn syrup.

“Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit”

Tim Hortons CEO, Paul D. House, went on record on Steve Paikin‘s “The Agenda” saying, “Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit.  Every company has crazy R&D ideas, we just wanted to keep ours hidden.   I apologize for the waste of time it has been for the Ministry, and as a goodwill gesture, I’d like to offer the employees involved in the investigation a barrel of whichever flavour struck their fancy.”

House doesn’t expect their to be much of a fallout, in terms of consumer reaction, but as they say in the business, you can’t unroll a rim once it’s been rolled up.

Nude Life Fitness: “Get Buff in the Buff”

English: Yoga Head Stand Naked

“Free”-style (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When a naked yoga studio opened in Edmonton, the prairies weren’t ready for the peaks and valleys they saw.  But here in the gritty city of Hamilton we’re lining up for Nude Life Fitness, the West Mountain’s fully equiped fitness complex.

“Can you bare it?” asks the pink neon sign adorning the dark tinted windows of a nondescript strip-mall.   As I enter the flesh centre (the name for the main workout room), what I see is a typical workout facility.  The man on the elliptical listening to his iPod, getting into his swing.  A heavy-set woman dead-lifting, and a man skipping rope.  Of course, unlike the YMCA (which makes you wear underwear), everyone is naked.

No Shame, No Gain

Barbara Goldstein, the brains behind Nude Life, explains, “If you have a rock solid body, how many people are going to see it?  Your spouse, your partner, a few people at the beach?  If you go to Nude Life, hundreds will see you – it’s a reward for your hard work.  On the flip side, if your a little pudgy around the edges, the shame of working out naked is just the motivator you need.  It’s about honesty.”

Giving  new meaning to private training, Barbara’s staff does one-on-one training, too.  “You have to think of the trainers like nurses, there’s nothing they haven’t seen.  It’s all out in the flesh centre, so there’s no room for hanky panky.”  If you’re intimidated by private sessions, you can join one of the classes, Burn me on, Excite Bike, Booty Camp, Dr. Peacock’s medicine balls and 20/20 Zumba.

Putting the Strip in Strip Mall

The feedback from the community has been mixed.  The patrons I talked to say they love the freedom, but it’s a bit tiresome for the eyes.  Neighboring businesses worry the type of clientele it will bring to the sleepy West Mountain.  “If you are willing to parade around your body, what else are you willing to do?  I worry for the safety of our families,” says Shafir Abdul, owner of Always Time Convenience Market.

Nude Life Fitness invites people to come and form their own opinions at their Open House, Saturday, May 4th, 2pm-4pm.  Dress code? Casual
Harvard Square Shopping Centre.  Mohawk Rd W and  Magnolia Dr.

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BREAKING: Cranky Council Considers Only Virtual Meetings

ouncil's Casino Comprimise

The hot pocket | photo by Joanna St. Jacques

In response to the breakdown of the decorum at last night’s Hamilton city council meeting, council has drafted a resolution which will limit counselors to only using BlackBerry chat to conduct its meetings.

“We believe that using BlackBerry group chat would serve as a better medium than actually speaking to each other face-to-face. Councillors will still be able to express emotions within the group chat by utilizing emoticons,” said an unnamed city clerk.

It’s a health and safety issue that caused concern amongst councillors and staff that sparked the idea of finding new ways to conduct council meetings.

“We were afraid that if another meeting is conducted face-to-face, someone is going to get hurt. Have you seen the size of Sam Merulla’s biceps? Just look at how big that Jason Farr is! Brad Clark can really spin that cane.  And I’m pretty sure that Maria Pearson is a black belt in jujitsu.”

Council will have to decide on this idea in person before the new policy can take effect. There is talk of having a police presence or possibly a UFC referee attend the meeting to ratify this resolution.

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Oprah slags Hamilton: It’s ‘a one-poutinerie town’

English: Oprah Winfrey at the White House for ...

Oprah Winfrey Flashing Hamilton a fake smile, inwardly judging us. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Bart Sherman, author of “Diagonal Lawn” story
Barely a week after taking the stage in front of thousands of admirers in Hamilton, Oprah Winfrey is attacking the city with both barrels.

Appearing Saturday on the New Arsenio Hall Show, Winfrey – wearing the very same buttercup yellow dress she wore at Copps Coliseum last Saturday – went on a long rant against the city and its people.

“Have you ever been to Hamster Town, Arsenio?” Winfrey asked the host, leaning in with a smile. “It’s a one-poutinerie-town way up in Canada, Arsenio. Don’t go there, man. Literally.  They’re so pro-foreskin up there, it ain’t funny.  I had Stedman wait in the limo.  He’s been limping, lately, after his surgery.”

About 14,000 ‘Church of Winfrey’ followers filed into Copps for Oprah Winfrey’s roadshow on April 13. Despite the best efforts of organizers and an over-willing local media, the show did not sell out.

Winfrey’s apparently sore about that, too.

“I prepared so hard for that show, Arsenio,” she said. “And those people dressed like slobs — I told them they were the best-dressed people I’d ever seen but I was joking! That place should have been packed to see someone turned out as fine as me!”

A Nightmare With Dolphins

Big Yellow Oprah said she was disgusted and disappointed by a backstage meeting of “prominent” Hamiltonians, where she was introduced to veteran outlaw graffiti artist Keenur, Tomi Swick, jazz songstress and Seniors Head vocalist Jude Johnson, and former mayor Bob Morrow. There were also  photographs of Daniel Lanois and Martin Short in the room.
Winfrey told Hall she would never return to the Steel City, and urged everyone else to avoid it, too.
“Follow your dreams, people, but if the road goes through Hamilton, consider that dream a nightmare,” she said, adding the only interesting thing in the city was the killer whale and dolphins jumping around in the harbour.
“They look so so cute I could eat them,” she said.  “Stedman! Fetch me the yacht.”
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