Multi-faith school funding debate rekindled by Kim Mitchell-inspired religion

Original (pre CD) album cover art

Will this man be the next Buddha (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The debate over public funding for faith-based schools in Ontario has heated up once again, and a new voice has entered the debate.  A small but growing religion called “Akimboism” has applied for funding to operate a school in Newmarket and they say they are willing to take the matter to court.  “Akimboism” is a relatively new faith-based on the philosophies expounded in the music of Kim Mitchell and Pye Dubois.  The fast growing creed seems to have struck a chord with residents of Toronto’s suburbs.

We spoke with one of “Akimboism’s” founders Craig Prince on Tuesday.  He explained the origins of his faith and their upcoming court battle.  “Like everyone in the late seventies, I knew about the music of Max Webster.  But I thought they were just another ‘Crowbar’ or ‘Chilliwack.’  But that was before I heard ‘Akimbo Alogo.'”

Prentice is speaking about Kim Mitchell’s platinum selling 1985 album, famous for singles; “Go For a Soda” and “Lager and Ale.”  He continued, “when I heard Akimbo, I realized that it was about more than music, it is a way of seeing the world.  The first words you hear on the album are ‘might as well go for a soda, nobody hurts, and nobody cries.’  When I heard those words, something clicked, I quit drinking immediately and started playing the record for everyone I could. I told people, ‘life is like a bomb inside your head,’ we need to make it a bomb of love.  I was sure that if we all just took a deep breath and cleared our heads, that love would triumph, and I believe that to this day.”

Throughout the Eighties and Nineties Prentice’s faith grew.  He humbly spread the word, and in 1999, coinciding with the

Cover of "Kimosabe"

This album cover almost caused a rift in Akimboism, and is debated by religious scholars

release of Mitchell’s album ‘Kimosabe,’ opened the first church of ‘Akimboism.’

Now, things have gone so well that Prentice is prepared to take Akimboism to the next level.  “We’re not going to hide anymore.  I encourage anyone who finds this intriguing to attend one of our weekly BBQ’s.  You’ll know us by our long hair and baseball caps, and yes…patio lanterns.  They’re like stars in the sky.  Every religion deserves the right to teach their faith to as many people as possible.  We believe that the Charter is on our side and we’re prepared to fight for what we believe in.  I like to think that we’re just doing our rock and roll duty.”

Premier Kathleen Wynne was unavailable for comment.  However, Conservative Tim Hudak told Hammer in the News that he still “firmly supports funding all faith-based schools.”  Could we see a school devoted to teaching of Akimboism in the near future?  For now, it’s a matter for the courts.

-Walter Langowski

For an example of the stirring power of Kim Mitchell’s music, click Here.


Oprah slags Hamilton: It’s ‘a one-poutinerie town’

English: Oprah Winfrey at the White House for ...

Oprah Winfrey Flashing Hamilton a fake smile, inwardly judging us. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Bart Sherman, author of “Diagonal Lawn” story
Barely a week after taking the stage in front of thousands of admirers in Hamilton, Oprah Winfrey is attacking the city with both barrels.

Appearing Saturday on the New Arsenio Hall Show, Winfrey – wearing the very same buttercup yellow dress she wore at Copps Coliseum last Saturday – went on a long rant against the city and its people.

“Have you ever been to Hamster Town, Arsenio?” Winfrey asked the host, leaning in with a smile. “It’s a one-poutinerie-town way up in Canada, Arsenio. Don’t go there, man. Literally.  They’re so pro-foreskin up there, it ain’t funny.  I had Stedman wait in the limo.  He’s been limping, lately, after his surgery.”

About 14,000 ‘Church of Winfrey’ followers filed into Copps for Oprah Winfrey’s roadshow on April 13. Despite the best efforts of organizers and an over-willing local media, the show did not sell out.

Winfrey’s apparently sore about that, too.

“I prepared so hard for that show, Arsenio,” she said. “And those people dressed like slobs — I told them they were the best-dressed people I’d ever seen but I was joking! That place should have been packed to see someone turned out as fine as me!”

A Nightmare With Dolphins

Big Yellow Oprah said she was disgusted and disappointed by a backstage meeting of “prominent” Hamiltonians, where she was introduced to veteran outlaw graffiti artist Keenur, Tomi Swick, jazz songstress and Seniors Head vocalist Jude Johnson, and former mayor Bob Morrow. There were also  photographs of Daniel Lanois and Martin Short in the room.
Winfrey told Hall she would never return to the Steel City, and urged everyone else to avoid it, too.
“Follow your dreams, people, but if the road goes through Hamilton, consider that dream a nightmare,” she said, adding the only interesting thing in the city was the killer whale and dolphins jumping around in the harbour.
“They look so so cute I could eat them,” she said.  “Stedman! Fetch me the yacht.”
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Northern Seductions: We’re Putting the Hump in Frump

Make your closet sparkle with a triple threat (photo | G.McNally)

Make your closet sparkle with a triple threat (photo | G.McNally)

Let’s think of a scenario: You’ve been married for twenty years. Your husband is still sweet, but the fire is gone.  You want to spice things up, but you are not comfortable with the “trampy” atmosphere of La Senza or La Vie En Rose. What are your options?  A Hamilton-based branch of Northern Reflections  now has the answer.

Northern Reflections, the same company that brought your kindergarten teacher Hallowe’en vests, and the ubiquitous loon emblazoned sweater has just come out with an innovative line of lingerie.  Northern Seductions.

The tagline “make your hubby howl at the moon” may be kitschy, but test groups of women aged 40-65 have scored N. Seductions quite well.   Using the same fibre they use in their sweaters, they claim you’ll feel like your wrapped in an old blanket at the cottage, feeling the coziness of your own sexy body.   Northern Reflections has hired top talent to  design the line.NorthernSeductionsLogo

“We’re putting the hump back in frump,” says Misty Bluewater, Northern Seductions’ New York fashion conceptualist. “We’re aiming for the female, forty-to-sixty demographic, and they resist sex appeal. We’re meeting them half way.  A loon is non-threatening, but they also hold the wild and sensual quality of nature.  We’re hoping to bring out their inner loon.”

Northern Seductions are already selling out, as loon-covered negliges enter the bedrooms of Canadians.   Whether or not this is a passing fad, at least this Mother’s Day there’s one more gift idea to make mom (and dad) happy.

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Watch Out Hooters! The Peckers Are Coming!

Like Hooters for women

~Like Hooters for women~

Spring is in the air, and with that, the smell of new restaurants. While many places are opening up in the downtown core, “Peckers” will be gracing Upper James. Local writer/actor Scarlett Webb has been dreaming up this restaurant for 25 years.

“There were “Hooters” Restaurants on every street corner in Nashville, Tenn., where I grew up. My friend Stephanie and I used to talk about “evening the playing field” by opening up our own chain of restaurants, geared toward women.”

“Peckers” will feature its namesake, the Giant Kaempfer woodpecker as it’s mascot. It will only hire male waiters, who will serve shirtless (if Health Dept. permits). Failing a shirtless verdict, the waiters’ tight v-necks will feature the tag line “Yes, I’m happy to see you.”

phallic hot dog

The 12-inch Giant Pecker (Photo credit: stevecoutts)

Shows like “Say yes to the Dress” and “Cake boss” will play on repeat on the restaurant’s massive TV’s. Food will consist of healthy salads and oversize margarita’s, or you can indulge in the ‘guilty pleasure’ menu, for a foot-long ‘giant pecker’ and a side of curve adjusting french fries.

Hooters is not going to take Peckers lying down. “I admit it, Peckers will be stiff, competition-wise,” says Hamilton Hooters owner, Blake LaQuor. “But we’re used to that at Hooters. We’ll bounce.”

“With all the controversy over “Hillbilly Heaven”, I thought this was the perfect time to open my restaurant. Sorta fly under the radar while Cam (owner of HH) is being raked over the coals.”

“Peckers” opens May 1st with 15 minute free shoulder massages and complimentary appetizer tastings.

by Arizona Holmes

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Dude, Where’s my Foreskin? Oprah’s Madness, Stedman’s Shame

English: Stedman Graham

English: Stedman Graham (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On the eve of Oprah’s Hamilton visit, her longtime life partner – Stedman Graham – broke down in a press conference, confessing the extent to which Oprah controlled his life.

“She made me get circumcised against my will.  No adult man should ever go through that, especially without the care of a midhusband.  She cut me off in my prime, and now I’m telling the world.”

As The Star recently reported, protesters from the advocacy group C-FAP (Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project),  are protesting Oprah’s promotion of a hand cream made from male foreskins.   But no one knew the extent she’d go to get her hands on that cream.

Oprah, Keep Your Hands Off My Penis

Stedman continued, ” This is just the tip of her corruption.  She loves her goddamned foreskin hand cream, and she’ll go any length to get it.  She’s influenced the mutilation of millions of babies.  Too many men and children have been cut short.”

Pictures of Stedman’s botched surgery are circulating the internet (NSFW), and it’s not pretty.  Penis experts question why a billionaire went to a walk-in clinic, when she could’ve had the best midhusbands in the country attend to her man.

Where's my foreskin? sign

Stedman’s burning question – (photo |

A source close to Oprah says that some clinics don’t remove enough of the penis to take advantage of all the fibroblasts available in the foreskin.   “If that is the reason,” says Bob Longfellow, Canada’s leading plastic surgeon, “than she’s more monster than human.”

Allegations that she’s going to Hooters alternative, Peckers, remains to be confirmed.  Meanwhile, Oprah still plans on her appearance at Copps Coliseum, Saturday, April 13th.

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The ‘Harper bear’ will be part panda, part polar


“There’s a fine line between mating and mauling when it comes to polar bears,” expert says. (photo|Wikipedia)

Like a Liger: Bred for the very first time

What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a Panda?  If Stephen Harper has his way, a unique symbol of harmony between China and Canada.  The ‘Polanda’ bear, nicknamed the Harper-bear, has the potential to smooth out foreign relations with the Chinese, especially as they aim to scoop up more oil sands.  China’s ambassador to Canada, Zhang Junsai says this is an opportunity to unite our countries, while at the same time creating  a new, more versatile bear species.  It’s not about destroying the environment, says the Prime Minister’s Office, it’s about preserving two amazing animals.

During Er Shun and Da Mao’s stay in Toronto, they will be privy to a host of expensive toys, exercise equipment, groomers, researchers, and veterinarians.   They will be expected to earn their keep, though.   Each bear has been match with a polar bear with similar traits and sexual compatibility.

Panda’s too frigid for polar bears?

“Panda bears are extremely selective when it comes to choosing a mate,” says panda expert, Prof. Kirby Bulsinki.  “As an animal biologist, I’ve devoted my life to these cuddly little fellers.   They’re not going to love being put in a pen with polar bears.  I know the mechanics of mating them will work, but a lot of sex is psychological for pandas.  Polar bears, on the other hand, will mate with anything with a heartbeat.  Elephant seals, lost explorers, seals, whales, you name it.   They may just over power the pandas.  After all, there’s a fine line between mauling and mating.  We just hope it is consensual.”

The symposium on inter-species breeding, hosted bi-annually at the University of Guelph, is divided on this issue.  “We have no idea what this animal may be capable of,” says naturalist Stig Larson.  “Polar bears are hunters, carnivores, swimmers, and travel long distances.  Panda bears are cute, vegetarian, sedentary, and more like a big raccoon.  They may turn out like Katy Perry – cute but dangerous.  But there’s always a chance they’ll be like Frankenstein – well-meaning, but ugly and destructive.”

North Meets East

Harper notes that both species are in rapid decline, and from a pure survival standpoint, may benefit from more adaptable traits.   The opposition recognize the environmental benefits, but say it’s not enough.   “Harper isn’t planning to release them into the wild, he just wants them to boost his own popularity and whore out our oil,” says opposition leader, Thomas Mulcair   It’s a slippery slope, though. First it’s the polanda bear, the next thing you know we’re using Chinese currency and dipping our pizza in soy sauce.”

“‘Cabbits’ – cats crossed with rabbits – have proven successful for Mexican-American relations, and I think the polanda bear will have similar results,” countered Harper.  “We have a chance to expand trade, and form a strong bond.   I’m doing what Nixon did, but I’m throwing in a feat of science, and one hell of a cute pair of animals.  That just happened!”

Whether or not the polanda bear is a success, politics with Panda bears are rarely black and white.

Go Wild! Golf course to run through African Lion Safari

Go Wild! Golf course to run through African Lion Safari


look like twins... Shot in Sanjay Gandhi Natio...Area duffers are betting a new golf course winding through Rockton’s African Lion Safari will offer the ultimate in physical and emotional challenges. Players will have to out-race hungry lions, fend off pesky baboons, and negotiate herds of elephants to get around the 18-hole layout.

“Being out there with the big cats is going to be amazing — and terrifying,” Seth Shagbaggio said. “I understand they’re going to let you take a cart if you’re a bit scared.”  “Actually,” explains Victor Speel, new head pro at African Lion Safari Golf & Game, “carts are mandatory, more or less, at the fenced-in track.  It’s going to be fairly challenging,” he said, “so we’re going to cover the carts with some armour and give them a little power boost. You won’t be able to get away from the cheetahs, but they sleep most of the time anyway.”

Lion in the Rough

“Certain golfers will be allowed to walk/run the course,” Speel said. “Those golfer will have to prove their prowess at running and hiding, and will have to wear special protective helmets — and sign a disclaimer.  Either way, you might want to keep one club out of your bag and in your hand at all times,” he chortled with a wink.

Workers are putting the finishing touches on the par-72 course just off Safari Road. The first hole on the front 9 will be a par-3, with the green surrounded by giraffes and wildebeest. Lofty iron shots required there. The fun really begins on the sixth hole, where a pride of lions will be lazily sunning themselves in the trees along the par-5 fairway.

Beware Baboon Fore-play

On the back nine, massive piles of elephant and rhinoceros droppings will make putting a real challenge. Meanwhile, sex-crazed baboons will accost you all the way up No. 17. “The baboons — rascals! — should only be a serious problem in mating season,” Speel assured. “That’s basically just May to September.”


Baboon mirrors the frustration of landing in a sand trap. (Photo credit: Derek Keats)

African Lion Safari officials are hoping the golf course attracts a more adventurous style of patron to the facility, while still allowing regular families a full-day, value-added experience.

“What an eyeful for the kids, eh?” said park ranger Tooly Jones. “They’ll be right there at the fence watching ol’ dad battle a crazed hyena, or wrestle his golf ball out of the snapping jaws of an alligator. Try that on for size, Disney!”

Plans are to offer night play, using glow-in-the-dark, meat-scented balls.


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