Multi-faith school funding debate rekindled by Kim Mitchell-inspired religion

Original (pre CD) album cover art

Will this man be the next Buddha (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The debate over public funding for faith-based schools in Ontario has heated up once again, and a new voice has entered the debate.  A small but growing religion called “Akimboism” has applied for funding to operate a school in Newmarket and they say they are willing to take the matter to court.  “Akimboism” is a relatively new faith-based on the philosophies expounded in the music of Kim Mitchell and Pye Dubois.  The fast growing creed seems to have struck a chord with residents of Toronto’s suburbs.

We spoke with one of “Akimboism’s” founders Craig Prince on Tuesday.  He explained the origins of his faith and their upcoming court battle.  “Like everyone in the late seventies, I knew about the music of Max Webster.  But I thought they were just another ‘Crowbar’ or ‘Chilliwack.’  But that was before I heard ‘Akimbo Alogo.'”

Prentice is speaking about Kim Mitchell’s platinum selling 1985 album, famous for singles; “Go For a Soda” and “Lager and Ale.”  He continued, “when I heard Akimbo, I realized that it was about more than music, it is a way of seeing the world.  The first words you hear on the album are ‘might as well go for a soda, nobody hurts, and nobody cries.’  When I heard those words, something clicked, I quit drinking immediately and started playing the record for everyone I could. I told people, ‘life is like a bomb inside your head,’ we need to make it a bomb of love.  I was sure that if we all just took a deep breath and cleared our heads, that love would triumph, and I believe that to this day.”

Throughout the Eighties and Nineties Prentice’s faith grew.  He humbly spread the word, and in 1999, coinciding with the

Cover of "Kimosabe"

This album cover almost caused a rift in Akimboism, and is debated by religious scholars

release of Mitchell’s album ‘Kimosabe,’ opened the first church of ‘Akimboism.’

Now, things have gone so well that Prentice is prepared to take Akimboism to the next level.  “We’re not going to hide anymore.  I encourage anyone who finds this intriguing to attend one of our weekly BBQ’s.  You’ll know us by our long hair and baseball caps, and yes…patio lanterns.  They’re like stars in the sky.  Every religion deserves the right to teach their faith to as many people as possible.  We believe that the Charter is on our side and we’re prepared to fight for what we believe in.  I like to think that we’re just doing our rock and roll duty.”

Premier Kathleen Wynne was unavailable for comment.  However, Conservative Tim Hudak told Hammer in the News that he still “firmly supports funding all faith-based schools.”  Could we see a school devoted to teaching of Akimboism in the near future?  For now, it’s a matter for the courts.

-Walter Langowski

For an example of the stirring power of Kim Mitchell’s music, click Here.


Dude, Where’s my Foreskin? Oprah’s Madness, Stedman’s Shame

English: Stedman Graham

English: Stedman Graham (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On the eve of Oprah’s Hamilton visit, her longtime life partner – Stedman Graham – broke down in a press conference, confessing the extent to which Oprah controlled his life.

“She made me get circumcised against my will.  No adult man should ever go through that, especially without the care of a midhusband.  She cut me off in my prime, and now I’m telling the world.”

As The Star recently reported, protesters from the advocacy group C-FAP (Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project),  are protesting Oprah’s promotion of a hand cream made from male foreskins.   But no one knew the extent she’d go to get her hands on that cream.

Oprah, Keep Your Hands Off My Penis

Stedman continued, ” This is just the tip of her corruption.  She loves her goddamned foreskin hand cream, and she’ll go any length to get it.  She’s influenced the mutilation of millions of babies.  Too many men and children have been cut short.”

Pictures of Stedman’s botched surgery are circulating the internet (NSFW), and it’s not pretty.  Penis experts question why a billionaire went to a walk-in clinic, when she could’ve had the best midhusbands in the country attend to her man.

Where's my foreskin? sign

Stedman’s burning question – (photo |

A source close to Oprah says that some clinics don’t remove enough of the penis to take advantage of all the fibroblasts available in the foreskin.   “If that is the reason,” says Bob Longfellow, Canada’s leading plastic surgeon, “than she’s more monster than human.”

Allegations that she’s going to Hooters alternative, Peckers, remains to be confirmed.  Meanwhile, Oprah still plans on her appearance at Copps Coliseum, Saturday, April 13th.

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4-Year-Old Sets Fire to Parents’ Car: “They threw out my Easter craft”

No Drama Here

No Drama Here (Photo credit: phil41dean)

Every parent experiences that tinge of guilt when they throw away their children’s craft.  Whether it’s an earnest attempt at a popsicle stick house, a gluey tinsel snowman, or a ripped paper bag dragon,  families don’t keep every ‘treasure’  their kids bring home. The average Canadian child brings home upward of 214 crafts, per year – enough to fill a small shed.
Hamilton resident, Jessica McCourt, aged four, discovered her baby chick Easter craft laying in the garbage under the sink.  In a moment of passion, an enraged Jessica lit her parents Hyundai Sante Fe on fire, causing $10,000 in smoke damage to the garage.  The local fire department prevented the fire from spreading to the house, but the SUV is burnt beyond use.  Jessica remains unapologetic, refusing talk to her parents.
yellow chicks

The salvaged yellow chicks (Photo credit: awaqas1)

 “I spent hours in Church making that craft,” says a teary Jessica.  “Hours! I dyed the wool, and didn’t spill any glue, just like they asked me to.  You know what hurts the most, though?  I told them I was giving it to them because I love them, and because Jesus loves them too.”
Gareth and Louise struggled to explain their actions to their daughter.  “Anyway you say it, it still sounds like we’re horrible people,” says Gareth.  “I told her all parents do it.  We don’t want to condone arson, but we also admit that we should have kept the chick.”
Jessica has vowed to stay at her grandparents until her parents apologize.

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dolphin in a pool

Snickers – McMaster’s top therapy dolphin – photo by Tolomea

Farley Hammerton, January 22, 2013.

Less Services for Mentally Vulnerable

The McMaster Student Goodness Centre for Health and Well-Being, made a huge splash today by spending 90% of their yearly budget, $1.6M, on therapy dolphins.  This costly move leaves no room for three staff psychiatrists, and a receptionist, who were handed a pink slip this week.

“Don’t get me wrong, dolphins are fu**ing cute,” says recently fired psychiatrist, Hans Mueller. “But when it comes down to it, I’m being replaced by an animal.”

There was already a backlog of needy patients, with issues ranging from minor depression to suicidal tendencies.  Unfortunately for them, the dolphins are so wildly popular, that people of a perfectly sound mind are feigning problems to get in the water with the dolphins.

Professor of Political Science, Peter Graefe, says: “It’s a time of austerity. Dolphins don’t bank sick days, so they are favoured. I suspect we’ll see another appointed as head of the part-time students association.”

Cost savings aside, first-year university students, however, are particularly vulnerable to mental illness, and the mental health community is calling foul.

The faculty of Psychology department is arguing that they’ve long had interest in the cognitive and linguistic ability of dolphins, as one of the more highly developed mammalian species.  This is an opportunity to make advancements in dolphin/human interaction that other schools only dream of.

Scheduling difficulties

As it stands, the aquatic program members are especially angry, as they have to share the lanes with these playful companions.  The water polo league has cancelled their season, and swimming laps is particularly difficult.

“I’ve been doing laps here for 39 years,” says long time Philosophy professor, Adam Adjunct.  “I can’t do one lap without them making those damn clicky noises, and ramming my rear end with their snouts.  People say they’re cute, but I don’t see it.  I have to say, though, my self-esteem has never been better.”

Leave it to a dolphin to convert its harshest critics.   I think this reporter is going to go for a swim now.


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Hamilton Teachers Won’t Give Marks Above 80%, Grades Chosen By Lot

Old Hamilton School

Robert Land School by Sahlgoode

“Too much confidence can lead to arrogance,” says the Principal of one of Hamilton’s biggest High Schools.   “This is a one-of-a-kind program, in the sense that most districts will simply avoid 100% marks. Hamilton Wentworth District School Board wants to get an A+ in innovation, while setting realistic goals for its students.”

Beverly Vong, a 9th grade teacher at Delta High School, says, “Our student average is in the mid-60s.  Why should we give them false hope?  Obviously, some students will earn ‘A’s, but they are the exception.  We want all our students on an equal playing field, so we’ll hand out grades by lottery.”

This will be the first time a school board has rewarded grades by lottery.  When we interviewed trustee, Kim Bernaise, we asked the obvious question: won’t people object to random grade assignments, given that their children’s futures are on the line?  “We had the same questions in our meetings – and things got pretty heated.  We came to the conclusion, though, that nothing is more important than equality.   They may not be motivated by marks, but that’s a good thing.  Now, they’ll be there to learn.”

Parents and students are going to be staging a protest on Saturday, December 29th, 2012  at 9am in front of City Hall.


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