Area man hospitalized by “100 cm Diet”

Salad greens sprouting

Salad greens sprouting (Photo credit: Narisa)

It seems like everyday there’s a new diet craze:  the 100-mile diet, the fast diet, the paleo diet, or even the Chinavore diet.  The 100cm diet, started by Rebecca Dunsmuir, may be the latest, but when area man, Max Maurier, ended up in intensive care, one has to wonder if it’s the greatest.

“I was praying to God for an ant to crawl by, I needed the protein”

When Maurier heard Dunsmuir’s diet consisted of living solely off  bean sprouts grown in a 100cm-squared milk carton, he started the next day.  “I’m into local, and this is about as local as you can get.”  But it wasn’t very long before Maurier’s experiment went disastrous.   Only having read the first chapter, Maurier believed you could only have one container, while Koontz advises at least two dozen.

“I was eating 200 grams of bean sprouts every three days, praying to God an ant would crawl in the container for protein.  The next thing I knew my tongue was as thick as my forearm, and I was hallucinating and lying on the bathroom floor.”

The doctors who are treating Maurier say he’s lucky to be alive after a twenty-five day stint on this diet.  When he arrived at the ER he had pneumonia, scurvy, fever, chlamydia, and botulism.   “If the soil wasn’t rich in beetles, this man would probably be dead.”

Before embarking on a new diet, Hammer in the News would like to remind you to consult your physician, and do your research.

Always Fresh? Tim Hortons identifies “toxic barrels” as failed latte recipes

A more common losing cup.

A more common losing cup. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Ministry of Environment made the largest ‘Timmies run’ in history this morning, as their frantic search to identify 100s of allegedly toxic barrels, stored deep in an abandoned warehouse on 350 Wentworth St. N., came to a close.   Cap in hand, Tim Hortons’ research team served up 346 barrels of failed latte recipes to a relieved MOE.

“We’ve never seen this level of concealment before,” says MOE spokesperson, Jenny Hill.  “We’re just happy no one’s in danger, after all the speculation.”

The variety of ill-fated flavours includes sushi latte, Pacific Salmon latte, bacon latte, and tropic of citrus latte – a 7-fruit blend including pineapple, lemon, lime, orange, mango, guava, and corn syrup.

“Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit”

Tim Hortons CEO, Paul D. House, went on record on Steve Paikin‘s “The Agenda” saying, “Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit.  Every company has crazy R&D ideas, we just wanted to keep ours hidden.   I apologize for the waste of time it has been for the Ministry, and as a goodwill gesture, I’d like to offer the employees involved in the investigation a barrel of whichever flavour struck their fancy.”

House doesn’t expect their to be much of a fallout, in terms of consumer reaction, but as they say in the business, you can’t unroll a rim once it’s been rolled up.

Hamilton, the first peanut-free city?

Peanuts: The Salted Killer

peanuts pamphlet

Canada’s Peanut Plan (Gov’t Canada)

There’s something out there, and it’s after our children.   We’ve banned them from our schools, our airlines, and our public cafeterias – but still – no one is safe.    No, I’m not talking about handguns or gang colours.  I’m talking about peanuts.

The discussion of a completely, peanut-free city comes after urgings from Hamilton Health Science in yesterday’s Public Health committee meeting.  “There’s at least three children in this city whose allergic reaction to peanuts are so strong, that even having products containing peanuts in their neighbourhood may trigger anaphylaxis.”

If city council accepts Hamilton Health Science’s recommendations, as of July 14th, 2013, peanuts will be barred from Hamilton, making it the first city in North America to completely ban a food item.

Fortinos: “Don’t take our nuts away!”

In a quick response to the proposal, Fortinos released a statement:  “Although allergies threaten some Hamiltonians, It’s our belief that business can just minimize the risk of exposure.  In the spirit of free business practices, we raise a petition against banning nuts of any description.”

Experts say proposal “Unrealistic”

Even the experts at the Peanut Bureau of Canada, a group that claims peanuts are a safe snack, concedes this bylaw will be a tough nut to crack.  Enforcement will be costly, and nearly impossible.  Containment, however, is well within our grasp.    Councillor Brenda Johnson said, in response, “If they can ban pork and alcohol in Mali – an entire country – we can do it one small, Canadian city….for the sake of the children!  Hamilton will be to peanuts, what Alberta is to rats.  And the world will love us for it.”

Will a peanut-free Hamilton make us a progressive, world-class city, or a city of world-class nuts?  The answer remains to be seen.  Council meets on this issue on Monday, April 29th.

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Watch Out Hooters! The Peckers Are Coming!

Like Hooters for women

~Like Hooters for women~

Spring is in the air, and with that, the smell of new restaurants. While many places are opening up in the downtown core, “Peckers” will be gracing Upper James. Local writer/actor Scarlett Webb has been dreaming up this restaurant for 25 years.

“There were “Hooters” Restaurants on every street corner in Nashville, Tenn., where I grew up. My friend Stephanie and I used to talk about “evening the playing field” by opening up our own chain of restaurants, geared toward women.”

“Peckers” will feature its namesake, the Giant Kaempfer woodpecker as it’s mascot. It will only hire male waiters, who will serve shirtless (if Health Dept. permits). Failing a shirtless verdict, the waiters’ tight v-necks will feature the tag line “Yes, I’m happy to see you.”

phallic hot dog

The 12-inch Giant Pecker (Photo credit: stevecoutts)

Shows like “Say yes to the Dress” and “Cake boss” will play on repeat on the restaurant’s massive TV’s. Food will consist of healthy salads and oversize margarita’s, or you can indulge in the ‘guilty pleasure’ menu, for a foot-long ‘giant pecker’ and a side of curve adjusting french fries.

Hooters is not going to take Peckers lying down. “I admit it, Peckers will be stiff, competition-wise,” says Hamilton Hooters owner, Blake LaQuor. “But we’re used to that at Hooters. We’ll bounce.”

“With all the controversy over “Hillbilly Heaven”, I thought this was the perfect time to open my restaurant. Sorta fly under the radar while Cam (owner of HH) is being raked over the coals.”

“Peckers” opens May 1st with 15 minute free shoulder massages and complimentary appetizer tastings.

by Arizona Holmes

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What to Do This Weekend: Co-op Hosts ‘Plant-a-Perogie Workshop’

Photo op at the last workshop with Mustard Seed Co-op

Photo op at the last workshop: “Pickled-Pink: Make Your Beets Last Forever”

When the Mustard Seed Co-op unveiled their plan for an affordable, socially conscious grocery store in the heart of downtown, it created quite a buzz.  This weekend, co-founder Graham Cubbit plans on giving back to the community with a helpful Perogie-growing workshop this Saturday at the Hamilton Farmers’ Market.

“Part of what makes our co-op great,” says Cubitt,  “is that you’re a part owner.  Food is an intimate part of us, and you can make decisions to impact that. That’s why we hold events like the “Plant-a-Perogie” initiative.  It’s also important for us to reclaim the Farmers’ Market’s image following the violent brawl earlier this winter.”

Staff insist that garden-fresh perogies are far superior to processed perogies.  “When I eat a perogie, I want to know the conditions it



was raised in,” says Emma Cubitt, Graham’s wife and co-op partner.  “Was it in a tiny container?  Was it doused in pesticides?”  That’s the advantage of growing them yourself.”

The workshop will run from 8am – noon at the Hamilton Farmers’ Market, on Saturday, March 23rd.  To become part of the Mustard Seed Co-op, visit http://mustardseed.coop/ Below is a helpful guide to growing your own perogies.

The Mustard Seed’s Quick Step-by-Step Guide:

  1. Choosing Perogies – make sure they’re organic perogies.  You can find them in specialty
    Digging Homegrown Potatoes - August 2011

    Digging Homegrown Perogies – August 2011 (Photo credit: Peter Mooney)

    grocery stores.  It’s best to use a local farmer’s perogies, because they’ll be more adapted to your climate and soil conditions.

  2. Preparing the Perogies – Cut them into two inch chunks.  It doesn’t have to be pretty.  Make sure you cut them a day in advance so they build a protective skin.  This will shield them from mold.
  3. Preparing the soil –  Fortunately, perogies grow in most soils, although they thrive in the 5.0-5.8 pH range.  Make sure the soil is loosely packed, allowing for those tendrils to suck up all the nutrients from the soil.
  4. Planting the Perogies – Planting perogies is an art.  Dig down 4 to 5 feet, dropping the cuttings with the rounded end towards to East.   Keep them 18.5 inches apart.  Using a sifter, gently fill in the hole with soil.  This should take about 4-5 hours if done properly.
  5. Growing the Perogies – water once every few days.
  6. Harvesting – They are ready to harvest with the flowers turn blood-red.  Take care of the thorns, and start salivating!

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Half-Baked Racism Draws Media Attention to Seniors’ Home

unicorn_cupcake

“Innocents Hamilton” protest the “hatecakes.”  ‘We make our cupcakes with sugar, eggs and flour, not hate.’ (photo credit: brink animation)

“It was all tongue-in-cheek”

Oldin Indeway Manor, an assisted living community home in Ward 16, is known around Hamilton for its sterling reputation as a haven for our city’s aged citizens.   Yesterday, they shocked the public by unveiling an aggressive marketing campaign involving a symbol that characterized racism in their generation: the swastika.

“Why can’t old people do irony?”

“We never meant to be offensive,” said Alfred Peaknuckle, an eighty-five year-old war veteran.  “I fought the Nazis, for crying out loud.  It was all tongue-in-cheek.  We did it to draw a crowd.  We heard on the news that restaurants are doing it, so why not us? We need the funds from the bake sale for new curtains, cutlery, and an antenna for the goddamn T.V.”

“Innocents Hamilton” Won’t Sugarcoat This

Not everyone sees it that way.  A coalition of local dissidents called “Innocents Hamilton”, have made several posters in reaction to the controversy.   The posters (example above) show baked goods with messages including, “My cupcakes spread tooth decay, not hate,” and “Make peace-cakes, not hate-cakes.”

The bake sale coordinators said, “It’s not illegal, so we’re not taking it down.  In fact, our goods are selling like hate-cakes.  Why do young punks get to use irony?”  The management team have offered their sincere apologies, and hope this never happens again.

I think every Hamiltonian would like to forget this week’s controversial events.

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CANADA GOOSE WINGERY RUFFLES ANCHOR BAR FEATHERS

English: A Canada Goose flying at Burnaby Lake...

The Mighty Canada Goose Flies onto the plates of Hamiltonians soon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Government Kills Two Birds with One Stone:  Overpopulation & ‘Buffalo Invasion’

The Canada Goose – a symbol of Canadian majesty and valour – will be now served to hungry Hamiltonians, smothered in buffalo sauce, and dunked in blue cheese dip.  The Anchor Bar, Buffalo’s home of the original chicken wing, has opened a location in Hamilton, and council worries about a full-scale Buffalo invasion.

Mayor Bob Bratina, notorious for last minute, left field ideas, proposed a city-run Canada goose wingery.  “It kills two birds with one stone,” says the mayor, “Over population of geese in our parks and golf courses, and a damn good alternative to chicken wings.  We can’t let the Americans take us over – birds of a feather must flock together.

Mayor_on_Wings

Mayor shows council the differences in size between chicken and goose wings – photo by Joanna St.Jacques

The Goose That Lays The Golden Egg

With a supportive council behind him, the giddy mayor told press he was “winging it” when he came up with the idea.   Chefs around the city are vying for the opportunity to make goose wings fly onto our plates.  Jeff Crump, executive chef of the Ancaster Mill says, “A goose wing is fattier and more succulent, I don’t know why we haven’t thought of it already.  Leave it to Bob to turn a lark into a workable idea.”

An Odd Duck, Our Mayor

Soaring on the wings of his success, Mayor Bratina blurted out another idea:  “Let’s scrap the LRT, and install a subway system in Dundas.”   A hush fell over the council chamber, and I could swear I heard a cricket chirp.   Let’s face it, one out of two isn’t bad, Bob.

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