Always Fresh? Tim Hortons identifies “toxic barrels” as failed latte recipes

A more common losing cup.

A more common losing cup. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Ministry of Environment made the largest ‘Timmies run’ in history this morning, as their frantic search to identify 100s of allegedly toxic barrels, stored deep in an abandoned warehouse on 350 Wentworth St. N., came to a close.   Cap in hand, Tim Hortons’ research team served up 346 barrels of failed latte recipes to a relieved MOE.

“We’ve never seen this level of concealment before,” says MOE spokesperson, Jenny Hill.  “We’re just happy no one’s in danger, after all the speculation.”

The variety of ill-fated flavours includes sushi latte, Pacific Salmon latte, bacon latte, and tropic of citrus latte – a 7-fruit blend including pineapple, lemon, lime, orange, mango, guava, and corn syrup.

“Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit”

Tim Hortons CEO, Paul D. House, went on record on Steve Paikin‘s “The Agenda” saying, “Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit.  Every company has crazy R&D ideas, we just wanted to keep ours hidden.   I apologize for the waste of time it has been for the Ministry, and as a goodwill gesture, I’d like to offer the employees involved in the investigation a barrel of whichever flavour struck their fancy.”

House doesn’t expect their to be much of a fallout, in terms of consumer reaction, but as they say in the business, you can’t unroll a rim once it’s been rolled up.

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Nude Life Fitness: “Get Buff in the Buff”

English: Yoga Head Stand Naked

“Free”-style (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When a naked yoga studio opened in Edmonton, the prairies weren’t ready for the peaks and valleys they saw.  But here in the gritty city of Hamilton we’re lining up for Nude Life Fitness, the West Mountain’s fully equiped fitness complex.

“Can you bare it?” asks the pink neon sign adorning the dark tinted windows of a nondescript strip-mall.   As I enter the flesh centre (the name for the main workout room), what I see is a typical workout facility.  The man on the elliptical listening to his iPod, getting into his swing.  A heavy-set woman dead-lifting, and a man skipping rope.  Of course, unlike the YMCA (which makes you wear underwear), everyone is naked.

No Shame, No Gain

Barbara Goldstein, the brains behind Nude Life, explains, “If you have a rock solid body, how many people are going to see it?  Your spouse, your partner, a few people at the beach?  If you go to Nude Life, hundreds will see you – it’s a reward for your hard work.  On the flip side, if your a little pudgy around the edges, the shame of working out naked is just the motivator you need.  It’s about honesty.”

Giving  new meaning to private training, Barbara’s staff does one-on-one training, too.  “You have to think of the trainers like nurses, there’s nothing they haven’t seen.  It’s all out in the flesh centre, so there’s no room for hanky panky.”  If you’re intimidated by private sessions, you can join one of the classes, Burn me on, Excite Bike, Booty Camp, Dr. Peacock’s medicine balls and 20/20 Zumba.

Putting the Strip in Strip Mall

The feedback from the community has been mixed.  The patrons I talked to say they love the freedom, but it’s a bit tiresome for the eyes.  Neighboring businesses worry the type of clientele it will bring to the sleepy West Mountain.  “If you are willing to parade around your body, what else are you willing to do?  I worry for the safety of our families,” says Shafir Abdul, owner of Always Time Convenience Market.

Nude Life Fitness invites people to come and form their own opinions at their Open House, Saturday, May 4th, 2pm-4pm.  Dress code? Casual
Harvard Square Shopping Centre.  Mohawk Rd W and  Magnolia Dr.

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Crowbar Restaurant Pries Away Barton’s Sketchy Image

By Gore Vidal Park

Barton Street Neighbourhood architecture

Barton Village about to get a makeover | Photo Joanna St. Jacques

The venerable Crowbar restaurant, at Barton East and Elgin is in for a
name-change.

Barton Village Business Improvement Association President Jerry Canelli
is thrilled with the news.  “Barton’s back, baby!  When they put in the
new Beer Store, they made it a drive through because people were afraid
to leave their cars with a criminal themed restaurant on the corner.”

“It was really bringing down the property values here.  You got
everything you need right here: big parking lots, a funeral home, a few
rub and tugs, the detention centre, and yet nothing was taking off
around here.  Why?  Because you have a restaurant that just screams
‘hug-a-thug’.  That doesn’t belong on Trendy Barton Street.”

Crowbar owner Chris Bacon is non-plussed.  “I don’t get what the big
fuss is.  I named it Crowbar after Kelly Jay’s great Hamilton band.

For all these years, I never knew people associated it with the jail!
Once Mr. Cannoli  pointed that out, I knew I had to change it right
away.“

Not everyone is pleased.  Local hip-hop magnate Larry D-Money decries
the gentrification.  “We used to have the whole Stainless Steel crew
shooting their straight-to-youtube vids down here on Barton, but the
street’s no longer gangster, or even ganja.”  Jigz Crillz had to shoot
his last video at the City Motor Hotel.  ”

That’s forty minutes of his
time on the number 2 bus, rather than in the studio.”

But Bacon has no regrets with the name change, even though the
transition has been bumpy. “At first, to be true to Crowbar, I called
it “Oh What a Feeling” and put up a big neon sign, but then I got a lot
of people confusing it with Hamilton Strip.  So I’m having to change
the name again.”

When asked about what the new name will be, he hesitates.  “I’ve chosen
a name that fits with Barton’s new upscale image, but I’m still going
to name it after another great Hamilton band… I’m going to reopen as
Junkhouse.”

 

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Empty Stelco Blast Furnaces to House Condos.

New Condos in Blast Furnaces

Deals are white-hot, no slag. ( Photo | Josu P)

“It’s a steel of a deal,” according to the billboards on Burlington St announcing the reclamation of Stelco‘s empty blast furnaces for use as condominiums.

Despite the City of Hamilton’s recent deal to take over Pier 7 and 8 from the Hamilton Port Authority, port development is slower than investment demands.

“There are literally hundreds of investors begging us to open up brownfield development for the use of high-end condos,” says Kip Persimmon, the owner of Pier 67, a stretch of land nestled between Stelco and Dofasco.  “Toronto thinks they have the market on condos, well Hamilton has plans for condos on Locke St, James St, Ottawa St, and Trendy Barton St.  Why not add Burlington St and Industrial Ave to that list?”

Representatives of Stelco could not be reached for comment, but the permits for condos in the empty blast furnaces have been approved by the highest levels of government.   Barty “Broadside” Bazinski, the young investor behind the development claims that no city has ever been this bold.

Industrial Sector M is About to Get Hot Again

Bazinski says, “The furnaces are pieces of art, and symbolic of Hamilton’s move forward.  Their vacancy shouldn’t be a reason to grieve, but an opportunity for growth.  Industrial Sector N and M are going to house over 900 units in two large towers.  They’re on the harbourfront, with a gorgeous view of Burlington, and Hamilton’s iconic industrial buildings.”

Initial market research and panel group feedback has confirmed Bazinski’s enthusiasm, despite the proximity to Hamilton’s largest factories, seven out of ten respondents saying they’d considered moving into the blast furnaces.   Though it’s unknown if those customers will actually put money down on this risky idea.

The main sticking point among developers is the complexity of converting blast furnaces into condos.   The infrastructure may be set up, but the complex plumbing, electrical work, and gas routes are all set up for an industrial scale.  Major changes and approvals are necessary before a single shovel can hit the ground.

The question remains whether this idea will catch fire with Hamiltonians, or if Bazinski will get burned.