The Ministry of Environment made the largest ‘Timmies run’ in history this morning, as their frantic search to identify 100s of allegedly toxic barrels, stored deep in an abandoned warehouse on 350 Wentworth St. N., came to a close. Cap in hand, Tim Hortons’ research team served up 346 barrels of failed latte recipes to a relieved MOE.
“We’ve never seen this level of concealment before,” says MOE spokesperson, Jenny Hill. “We’re just happy no one’s in danger, after all the speculation.”
The variety of ill-fated flavours includes sushi latte, Pacific Salmon latte, bacon latte, and tropic of citrus latte – a 7-fruit blend including pineapple, lemon, lime, orange, mango, guava, and corn syrup.
“Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit”
Tim Hortons CEO, Paul D. House, went on record on Steve Paikin‘s “The Agenda” saying, “Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit. Every company has crazy R&D ideas, we just wanted to keep ours hidden. I apologize for the waste of time it has been for the Ministry, and as a goodwill gesture, I’d like to offer the employees involved in the investigation a barrel of whichever flavour struck their fancy.”
House doesn’t expect their to be much of a fallout, in terms of consumer reaction, but as they say in the business, you can’t unroll a rim once it’s been rolled up.