Area man hospitalized by “100 cm Diet”

Salad greens sprouting

Salad greens sprouting (Photo credit: Narisa)

It seems like everyday there’s a new diet craze:  the 100-mile diet, the fast diet, the paleo diet, or even the Chinavore diet.  The 100cm diet, started by Rebecca Dunsmuir, may be the latest, but when area man, Max Maurier, ended up in intensive care, one has to wonder if it’s the greatest.

“I was praying to God for an ant to crawl by, I needed the protein”

When Maurier heard Dunsmuir’s diet consisted of living solely off  bean sprouts grown in a 100cm-squared milk carton, he started the next day.  “I’m into local, and this is about as local as you can get.”  But it wasn’t very long before Maurier’s experiment went disastrous.   Only having read the first chapter, Maurier believed you could only have one container, while Koontz advises at least two dozen.

“I was eating 200 grams of bean sprouts every three days, praying to God an ant would crawl in the container for protein.  The next thing I knew my tongue was as thick as my forearm, and I was hallucinating and lying on the bathroom floor.”

The doctors who are treating Maurier say he’s lucky to be alive after a twenty-five day stint on this diet.  When he arrived at the ER he had pneumonia, scurvy, fever, chlamydia, and botulism.   “If the soil wasn’t rich in beetles, this man would probably be dead.”

Before embarking on a new diet, Hammer in the News would like to remind you to consult your physician, and do your research.


Always Fresh? Tim Hortons identifies “toxic barrels” as failed latte recipes

A more common losing cup.

A more common losing cup. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Ministry of Environment made the largest ‘Timmies run’ in history this morning, as their frantic search to identify 100s of allegedly toxic barrels, stored deep in an abandoned warehouse on 350 Wentworth St. N., came to a close.   Cap in hand, Tim Hortons’ research team served up 346 barrels of failed latte recipes to a relieved MOE.

“We’ve never seen this level of concealment before,” says MOE spokesperson, Jenny Hill.  “We’re just happy no one’s in danger, after all the speculation.”

The variety of ill-fated flavours includes sushi latte, Pacific Salmon latte, bacon latte, and tropic of citrus latte – a 7-fruit blend including pineapple, lemon, lime, orange, mango, guava, and corn syrup.

“Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit”

Tim Hortons CEO, Paul D. House, went on record on Steve Paikin‘s “The Agenda” saying, “Let’s not make a fritter out of a timbit.  Every company has crazy R&D ideas, we just wanted to keep ours hidden.   I apologize for the waste of time it has been for the Ministry, and as a goodwill gesture, I’d like to offer the employees involved in the investigation a barrel of whichever flavour struck their fancy.”

House doesn’t expect their to be much of a fallout, in terms of consumer reaction, but as they say in the business, you can’t unroll a rim once it’s been rolled up.

Crowbar Restaurant Pries Away Barton’s Sketchy Image

By Gore Vidal Park

Barton Street Neighbourhood architecture

Barton Village about to get a makeover | Photo Joanna St. Jacques

The venerable Crowbar restaurant, at Barton East and Elgin is in for a

Barton Village Business Improvement Association President Jerry Canelli
is thrilled with the news.  “Barton’s back, baby!  When they put in the
new Beer Store, they made it a drive through because people were afraid
to leave their cars with a criminal themed restaurant on the corner.”

“It was really bringing down the property values here.  You got
everything you need right here: big parking lots, a funeral home, a few
rub and tugs, the detention centre, and yet nothing was taking off
around here.  Why?  Because you have a restaurant that just screams
‘hug-a-thug’.  That doesn’t belong on Trendy Barton Street.”

Crowbar owner Chris Bacon is non-plussed.  “I don’t get what the big
fuss is.  I named it Crowbar after Kelly Jay’s great Hamilton band.

For all these years, I never knew people associated it with the jail!
Once Mr. Cannoli  pointed that out, I knew I had to change it right

Not everyone is pleased.  Local hip-hop magnate Larry D-Money decries
the gentrification.  “We used to have the whole Stainless Steel crew
shooting their straight-to-youtube vids down here on Barton, but the
street’s no longer gangster, or even ganja.”  Jigz Crillz had to shoot
his last video at the City Motor Hotel.  ”

That’s forty minutes of his
time on the number 2 bus, rather than in the studio.”

But Bacon has no regrets with the name change, even though the
transition has been bumpy. “At first, to be true to Crowbar, I called
it “Oh What a Feeling” and put up a big neon sign, but then I got a lot
of people confusing it with Hamilton Strip.  So I’m having to change
the name again.”

When asked about what the new name will be, he hesitates.  “I’ve chosen
a name that fits with Barton’s new upscale image, but I’m still going
to name it after another great Hamilton band… I’m going to reopen as


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BREAKING: Cranky Council Considers Only Virtual Meetings

ouncil's Casino Comprimise

The hot pocket | photo by Joanna St. Jacques

In response to the breakdown of the decorum at last night’s Hamilton city council meeting, council has drafted a resolution which will limit counselors to only using BlackBerry chat to conduct its meetings.

“We believe that using BlackBerry group chat would serve as a better medium than actually speaking to each other face-to-face. Councillors will still be able to express emotions within the group chat by utilizing emoticons,” said an unnamed city clerk.

It’s a health and safety issue that caused concern amongst councillors and staff that sparked the idea of finding new ways to conduct council meetings.

“We were afraid that if another meeting is conducted face-to-face, someone is going to get hurt. Have you seen the size of Sam Merulla’s biceps? Just look at how big that Jason Farr is! Brad Clark can really spin that cane.  And I’m pretty sure that Maria Pearson is a black belt in jujitsu.”

Council will have to decide on this idea in person before the new policy can take effect. There is talk of having a police presence or possibly a UFC referee attend the meeting to ratify this resolution.

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Oprah slags Hamilton: It’s ‘a one-poutinerie town’

English: Oprah Winfrey at the White House for ...

Oprah Winfrey Flashing Hamilton a fake smile, inwardly judging us. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Bart Sherman, author of “Diagonal Lawn” story
Barely a week after taking the stage in front of thousands of admirers in Hamilton, Oprah Winfrey is attacking the city with both barrels.

Appearing Saturday on the New Arsenio Hall Show, Winfrey – wearing the very same buttercup yellow dress she wore at Copps Coliseum last Saturday – went on a long rant against the city and its people.

“Have you ever been to Hamster Town, Arsenio?” Winfrey asked the host, leaning in with a smile. “It’s a one-poutinerie-town way up in Canada, Arsenio. Don’t go there, man. Literally.  They’re so pro-foreskin up there, it ain’t funny.  I had Stedman wait in the limo.  He’s been limping, lately, after his surgery.”

About 14,000 ‘Church of Winfrey’ followers filed into Copps for Oprah Winfrey’s roadshow on April 13. Despite the best efforts of organizers and an over-willing local media, the show did not sell out.

Winfrey’s apparently sore about that, too.

“I prepared so hard for that show, Arsenio,” she said. “And those people dressed like slobs — I told them they were the best-dressed people I’d ever seen but I was joking! That place should have been packed to see someone turned out as fine as me!”

A Nightmare With Dolphins

Big Yellow Oprah said she was disgusted and disappointed by a backstage meeting of “prominent” Hamiltonians, where she was introduced to veteran outlaw graffiti artist Keenur, Tomi Swick, jazz songstress and Seniors Head vocalist Jude Johnson, and former mayor Bob Morrow. There were also  photographs of Daniel Lanois and Martin Short in the room.
Winfrey told Hall she would never return to the Steel City, and urged everyone else to avoid it, too.
“Follow your dreams, people, but if the road goes through Hamilton, consider that dream a nightmare,” she said, adding the only interesting thing in the city was the killer whale and dolphins jumping around in the harbour.
“They look so so cute I could eat them,” she said.  “Stedman! Fetch me the yacht.”
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Empty Stelco Blast Furnaces to House Condos.

New Condos in Blast Furnaces

Deals are white-hot, no slag. ( Photo | Josu P)

“It’s a steel of a deal,” according to the billboards on Burlington St announcing the reclamation of Stelco‘s empty blast furnaces for use as condominiums.

Despite the City of Hamilton’s recent deal to take over Pier 7 and 8 from the Hamilton Port Authority, port development is slower than investment demands.

“There are literally hundreds of investors begging us to open up brownfield development for the use of high-end condos,” says Kip Persimmon, the owner of Pier 67, a stretch of land nestled between Stelco and Dofasco.  “Toronto thinks they have the market on condos, well Hamilton has plans for condos on Locke St, James St, Ottawa St, and Trendy Barton St.  Why not add Burlington St and Industrial Ave to that list?”

Representatives of Stelco could not be reached for comment, but the permits for condos in the empty blast furnaces have been approved by the highest levels of government.   Barty “Broadside” Bazinski, the young investor behind the development claims that no city has ever been this bold.

Industrial Sector M is About to Get Hot Again

Bazinski says, “The furnaces are pieces of art, and symbolic of Hamilton’s move forward.  Their vacancy shouldn’t be a reason to grieve, but an opportunity for growth.  Industrial Sector N and M are going to house over 900 units in two large towers.  They’re on the harbourfront, with a gorgeous view of Burlington, and Hamilton’s iconic industrial buildings.”

Initial market research and panel group feedback has confirmed Bazinski’s enthusiasm, despite the proximity to Hamilton’s largest factories, seven out of ten respondents saying they’d considered moving into the blast furnaces.   Though it’s unknown if those customers will actually put money down on this risky idea.

The main sticking point among developers is the complexity of converting blast furnaces into condos.   The infrastructure may be set up, but the complex plumbing, electrical work, and gas routes are all set up for an industrial scale.  Major changes and approvals are necessary before a single shovel can hit the ground.

The question remains whether this idea will catch fire with Hamiltonians, or if Bazinski will get burned.

Bratina: It’s either LRT or a Subway in Dundas

The Mayor’s Tunnel Vision

English: Dundas Subway Station

The New Dundas? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bratina has been brain-storming again.  Yesterday’s fumble, with the mayor misquoting Ontario’s Premier concerning the supposed ‘either or’ funding of LRT and all-day GO service, has inspired the ire of his colleagues in council. Terry Whitehead made the comment that the mayor doesn’t take orders from the province, the mayor sets the agenda – and that was when Bob had his epiphany.

“If Kathleen Wynne won’t make an ultimatum, I will,” said Bratina, in yesterday’s general concerns committee. “We’re either doing LRT, or a subway in Dundas.  And the decision will be made on Monday.”

Rumours of Bratina’s Dundas subway have circulated for as long as he’s been in politics. It’s long been suspected that Bratina has been funding the Environmental Assessments and feasibility studies in secret, waiting for public sentiment to support his subway.

English: Entrance to Dundas TTC subway station...

Concept illustration of Dundas’ proposed subway (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dundas has the unique chance of becoming the only town in the world with a population under 30,000 to have a subway, and the second place in Ontario.

For the same price as LRT, claims city staff, we could – in theory – have a subway in Dundas that spans King Street W from Woodleys Lane to the Canadian Tire.  Metrolinx has approved funding for the project, so long as the city pitches in $30 million.  Rumours of exhausting the Future Fund has already divided council.

“You’re being willfully…ignorant,” said a livid Brian McHattie. “The Future Fund is for self-sustaining projects.  HSR ridership for Dundas is far from sustainable, and we’ve been waiting years for LRT.”

The Mayor’s tunnel vision may get him in trouble with council, but perhaps Dundas will feel differently.

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