Nude Life Fitness: “Get Buff in the Buff”

English: Yoga Head Stand Naked

“Free”-style (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When a naked yoga studio opened in Edmonton, the prairies weren’t ready for the peaks and valleys they saw.  But here in the gritty city of Hamilton we’re lining up for Nude Life Fitness, the West Mountain’s fully equiped fitness complex.

“Can you bare it?” asks the pink neon sign adorning the dark tinted windows of a nondescript strip-mall.   As I enter the flesh centre (the name for the main workout room), what I see is a typical workout facility.  The man on the elliptical listening to his iPod, getting into his swing.  A heavy-set woman dead-lifting, and a man skipping rope.  Of course, unlike the YMCA (which makes you wear underwear), everyone is naked.

No Shame, No Gain

Barbara Goldstein, the brains behind Nude Life, explains, “If you have a rock solid body, how many people are going to see it?  Your spouse, your partner, a few people at the beach?  If you go to Nude Life, hundreds will see you – it’s a reward for your hard work.  On the flip side, if your a little pudgy around the edges, the shame of working out naked is just the motivator you need.  It’s about honesty.”

Giving  new meaning to private training, Barbara’s staff does one-on-one training, too.  “You have to think of the trainers like nurses, there’s nothing they haven’t seen.  It’s all out in the flesh centre, so there’s no room for hanky panky.”  If you’re intimidated by private sessions, you can join one of the classes, Burn me on, Excite Bike, Booty Camp, Dr. Peacock’s medicine balls and 20/20 Zumba.

Putting the Strip in Strip Mall

The feedback from the community has been mixed.  The patrons I talked to say they love the freedom, but it’s a bit tiresome for the eyes.  Neighboring businesses worry the type of clientele it will bring to the sleepy West Mountain.  “If you are willing to parade around your body, what else are you willing to do?  I worry for the safety of our families,” says Shafir Abdul, owner of Always Time Convenience Market.

Nude Life Fitness invites people to come and form their own opinions at their Open House, Saturday, May 4th, 2pm-4pm.  Dress code? Casual
Harvard Square Shopping Centre.  Mohawk Rd W and  Magnolia Dr.

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Hamilton, the first peanut-free city?

Peanuts: The Salted Killer

peanuts pamphlet

Canada’s Peanut Plan (Gov’t Canada)

There’s something out there, and it’s after our children.   We’ve banned them from our schools, our airlines, and our public cafeterias – but still – no one is safe.    No, I’m not talking about handguns or gang colours.  I’m talking about peanuts.

The discussion of a completely, peanut-free city comes after urgings from Hamilton Health Science in yesterday’s Public Health committee meeting.  “There’s at least three children in this city whose allergic reaction to peanuts are so strong, that even having products containing peanuts in their neighbourhood may trigger anaphylaxis.”

If city council accepts Hamilton Health Science’s recommendations, as of July 14th, 2013, peanuts will be barred from Hamilton, making it the first city in North America to completely ban a food item.

Fortinos: “Don’t take our nuts away!”

In a quick response to the proposal, Fortinos released a statement:  “Although allergies threaten some Hamiltonians, It’s our belief that business can just minimize the risk of exposure.  In the spirit of free business practices, we raise a petition against banning nuts of any description.”

Experts say proposal “Unrealistic”

Even the experts at the Peanut Bureau of Canada, a group that claims peanuts are a safe snack, concedes this bylaw will be a tough nut to crack.  Enforcement will be costly, and nearly impossible.  Containment, however, is well within our grasp.    Councillor Brenda Johnson said, in response, “If they can ban pork and alcohol in Mali – an entire country – we can do it one small, Canadian city….for the sake of the children!  Hamilton will be to peanuts, what Alberta is to rats.  And the world will love us for it.”

Will a peanut-free Hamilton make us a progressive, world-class city, or a city of world-class nuts?  The answer remains to be seen.  Council meets on this issue on Monday, April 29th.

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Dude, Where’s my Foreskin? Oprah’s Madness, Stedman’s Shame

English: Stedman Graham

English: Stedman Graham (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On the eve of Oprah’s Hamilton visit, her longtime life partner – Stedman Graham – broke down in a press conference, confessing the extent to which Oprah controlled his life.

“She made me get circumcised against my will.  No adult man should ever go through that, especially without the care of a midhusband.  She cut me off in my prime, and now I’m telling the world.”

As The Star recently reported, protesters from the advocacy group C-FAP (Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project),  are protesting Oprah’s promotion of a hand cream made from male foreskins.   But no one knew the extent she’d go to get her hands on that cream.

Oprah, Keep Your Hands Off My Penis

Stedman continued, ” This is just the tip of her corruption.  She loves her goddamned foreskin hand cream, and she’ll go any length to get it.  She’s influenced the mutilation of millions of babies.  Too many men and children have been cut short.”

Pictures of Stedman’s botched surgery are circulating the internet (NSFW), and it’s not pretty.  Penis experts question why a billionaire went to a walk-in clinic, when she could’ve had the best midhusbands in the country attend to her man.

Where's my foreskin? sign

Stedman’s burning question – (photo | http://www.can-fap.net)

A source close to Oprah says that some clinics don’t remove enough of the penis to take advantage of all the fibroblasts available in the foreskin.   “If that is the reason,” says Bob Longfellow, Canada’s leading plastic surgeon, “than she’s more monster than human.”

Allegations that she’s going to Hooters alternative, Peckers, remains to be confirmed.  Meanwhile, Oprah still plans on her appearance at Copps Coliseum, Saturday, April 13th.

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Ancaster Exempted from 1-bag rule: “We consume more”

Plastic flowers growing well

Plastic flowers growing well (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ancaster may have a reputation for dumping on Hamilton, but the trash talk is now flowing the other way for a change.  In what was initially considered an April Fools’ joke, Ancaster councilman, Lloyd Ferguson,  passed a bylaw exemption to Hamilton’s one-bag rule, allowing Ancaster households to put out three bags of garbage rather than just one.   The exemption includes allowances for batteries, televisions, nuclear waste, and pets.

Bag, tag, and forget

Garbage pickup in Hamilton is changing anyways, argue Ferguson’s opponents, with more allowances for extra bags.   Rather than giving exceptions to the one bag rule on selected weekends, Hamiltonians can buy stickers allowing them to throw out extra on any given day.  The city is giving out twelve freebie stickers by mail, with an additional fourteen more, free of charge, upon request.   Hamilton residents can put out an extra bag for half of the year.

“I don’t care how many tags the City is handing out, Ancaster is wealthier,” Ferguson argued.  “More disposable income means more disposables.  An extra bag every other week is not enough for us.  This is especially true after an Artsprawl.”

More Disposable Income = More Disposables

The timing of these measures could not be worse.  Changes in garbage policy are always a case for debate, as city clerk Chet Morrison can attest to.  “When it comes to trash policy, it take citizens – especially the filthy citizens of downtown Hamilton – time to get used to it.  I think Ancaster has proven itself as a clean city, and doesn’t need to be grouped with working class neighbours downtown.  Wait. Don’t publish that, Farley.  Okay?”

The three-bag rule won’t take effect until September, 2013 – until then, Ancaster will have to slum it with the rest of Hamilton.

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For Sale, By Joe: Coleman selling the ‘Y’ in his name to fund purchase of journalism equipment

Joey Coleman

Joey Coleman (Photo credit: Joey.Coleman)

By Bart Sherman

You can call him Joe Coleman now.
But first, you’d better call him the most committed, truth-seeking and now selfless
journalist the city has seen since Horatio Spectator.

Joey Coleman is putting the ‘Y’ in his name up for sale. The goal? More truth. He’s
hoping the money generated from selling the beloved first-name letter will allow him
to purchase better equipment for his journalism pursuits. It’s worked for him before.
Coleman has raised more than $73,000 through online donations so far.

“I’d love to talk about this,” said Coleman, whisking by two Hammer In The News
reporter/videographers Tuesday, “but I’m late for the general committee issues
subcommittee meeting at City Hall. It’s the crooked sidewalks debate. I’m live streaming
it. Get out of the way.”

Coleman told CBC Hamilton earlier in the day he’s not certain how much the letter will
fetch. He’s hoping it’s enough for a telephoto lens long enough to properly capture the
new Marineland whales jumping in the harbour from his apartment balcony.
Still, he’ll be sorry to see the ‘Y‘ go.
“It’s a good letter — an occasional vowel, you know, ‘and sometimes Y,’” he told
someone holding a smartphone. “If your name is, say, Bill, or Jenn, you might want that
letter.”

For the person selling their name letter, it can be an emotional journey.
Local rocker Tomi Swick got a reported $700 when he sold the ‘M’ and ‘Y’ in his name a
few years back. But bouts of sadness about the move prompted him to buy a discount ‘I’
and at least partially regain his original moniker.
There is speculation that area jazz songstress and Seniors Head vocalist Jude
Johnson could make a bid for Joe Coleman’s ‘Y’, relaunching her career as Jude
Johnsony.

Coleman’s Y is for sale at joeycoleman.ca

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Go Wild! Golf course to run through African Lion Safari

Go Wild! Golf course to run through African Lion Safari

By BART SHERMAN

look like twins... Shot in Sanjay Gandhi Natio...Area duffers are betting a new golf course winding through Rockton’s African Lion Safari will offer the ultimate in physical and emotional challenges. Players will have to out-race hungry lions, fend off pesky baboons, and negotiate herds of elephants to get around the 18-hole layout.

“Being out there with the big cats is going to be amazing — and terrifying,” Seth Shagbaggio said. “I understand they’re going to let you take a cart if you’re a bit scared.”  “Actually,” explains Victor Speel, new head pro at African Lion Safari Golf & Game, “carts are mandatory, more or less, at the fenced-in track.  It’s going to be fairly challenging,” he said, “so we’re going to cover the carts with some armour and give them a little power boost. You won’t be able to get away from the cheetahs, but they sleep most of the time anyway.”

Lion in the Rough

“Certain golfers will be allowed to walk/run the course,” Speel said. “Those golfer will have to prove their prowess at running and hiding, and will have to wear special protective helmets — and sign a disclaimer.  Either way, you might want to keep one club out of your bag and in your hand at all times,” he chortled with a wink.

Workers are putting the finishing touches on the par-72 course just off Safari Road. The first hole on the front 9 will be a par-3, with the green surrounded by giraffes and wildebeest. Lofty iron shots required there. The fun really begins on the sixth hole, where a pride of lions will be lazily sunning themselves in the trees along the par-5 fairway.

Beware Baboon Fore-play

On the back nine, massive piles of elephant and rhinoceros droppings will make putting a real challenge. Meanwhile, sex-crazed baboons will accost you all the way up No. 17. “The baboons — rascals! — should only be a serious problem in mating season,” Speel assured. “That’s basically just May to September.”

Baboons

Baboon mirrors the frustration of landing in a sand trap. (Photo credit: Derek Keats)

African Lion Safari officials are hoping the golf course attracts a more adventurous style of patron to the facility, while still allowing regular families a full-day, value-added experience.

“What an eyeful for the kids, eh?” said park ranger Tooly Jones. “They’ll be right there at the fence watching ol’ dad battle a crazed hyena, or wrestle his golf ball out of the snapping jaws of an alligator. Try that on for size, Disney!”

Plans are to offer night play, using glow-in-the-dark, meat-scented balls.

 

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You’ve Got Whale: Hamilton Harbour new home for Marineland’s sea life

Steel_Orcas

Orcas thriving, despite doubts that the water is too polluted.

A killer of a deal indeed.

In a stunning agreement announced late Wednesday night outside the Angel Inn pub in Niagara-on-the-Lake, the City of Hamilton is taking possession of Marineland’s wildlife population, and will house the collection of sea animals in a revamped, salty Hamilton Harbour.

The acquisition of several killer and beluga whales, some dolphins, and a smattering of poor-sighted sea lions stands to transform the tourism culture in Hamilton, says Joyce Satani, incoming head of tourism for the city.

“This will be transformative,” she said. “I mean, Niagara Falls has waterfalls, obviously, but we have several more here.  Adding their jumping whales and dolphins to our tourism portfolio will be just … transformative.”

Added Hamilton Mayor Bob Bratina, “I have visions … visions of thousands of people lining the shores of our harbour watch the playful antics of our new marine life. What a city.”

Marineland owner John Holer said he was approached by the Hamilton Port Authority about possibly moving the animals to Hamilton Harbour for a weekend show in the summer, to bump up sagging tourism. One thing led to another, he said, and the permanent deal was done over a few beers and a basket of onion rings.

Dolphins

Dolphins are testing the waters of Randle Reef (Photo credit: ryn413)

“I don’t want them no more,” spat Holer. “Too much trouble and stink. You have now.  I throw in Polka Legend Walter Ostanek.”

In addition to the sea mammals, the City of Hamilton also gets ownership of the coveted Marineland jingle, Everyone Loves Marineland. Plans are to have Hamilton jazz songstress and Seniors Head vocalist Jude Johnson cut a new version for the heaviest possible airplay on radio and TV.

The move will not be a cheap one.

Councillor Lloyd Ferguson said the city will spend $500 million on a salt-making machine for the harbour, and another $200 million for a massive gate underneath the SkywayBridge. Heat generated from the ongoing Randle Reef cleanup will bring the newly salinated harbour up to proper temperature regulation.

With killer whales soon to be cruising through the area, the city is leaning toward banning swimming at most spots in the bay, or at least posting Swim at Your Own Risk signs, to limit litigation. Regular helicopter drops of fresh mackerel should keep the whales and dolphins quite happy.

The city has no plans to hire trainers at this time, Bratina said.

“We think the whales and dolphins will be happy enough in our harbour that they’ll just jump on their own, won’t need commands and whatnot.”

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