Hamilton’s Cemeteries Are Full: “No Room To Die”

Hamilton Cemetery

No Vacancy – Photo by Joanna St. Jacques

City officials made the alarming statement this morning that there is no space left in Hamilton to bury it’s dead. A spokesman for city staffers revealed a contingency plan that would contract out burial sites to private homeowners and businesses. “This will allow the bereaved to bury their loved ones on their property. After Mr. Bowmen passed away last night, he is the last person with a cemetery plot in the city.”

George Hamilton tombstone, Hamilton Cemetery, ...

George Hamilton tombstone, Hamilton Cemetery, City founder of Hamilton, Ontario (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some councillors have explored burying the dead in local city-owned parks and green space. “There is a lot of room in places like Gage Park and down near Bayfront. It seems like a great multi-use program for these spaces,” says Brian McHattie.

The proposed program will allow property owners to borrow shovels and backhoes from the city to prepare their own final resting places. “You don’t need much training or skill to run one of these things,” Chuck Semple from the road maintenance crew. We’re confident that city residents will figure it out.”

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