Farley Hammerton, January 22, 2013.
Less Services for Mentally Vulnerable
The McMaster Student Goodness Centre for Health and Well-Being, made a huge splash today by spending 90% of their yearly budget, $1.6M, on therapy dolphins. This costly move leaves no room for three staff psychiatrists, and a receptionist, who were handed a pink slip this week.
“Don’t get me wrong, dolphins are fu**ing cute,” says recently fired psychiatrist, Hans Mueller. “But when it comes down to it, I’m being replaced by an animal.”
There was already a backlog of needy patients, with issues ranging from minor depression to suicidal tendencies. Unfortunately for them, the dolphins are so wildly popular, that people of a perfectly sound mind are feigning problems to get in the water with the dolphins.
Professor of Political Science, Peter Graefe, says: “It’s a time of austerity. Dolphins don’t bank sick days, so they are favoured. I suspect we’ll see another appointed as head of the part-time students association.”
Cost savings aside, first-year university students, however, are particularly vulnerable to mental illness, and the mental health community is calling foul.
The faculty of Psychology department is arguing that they’ve long had interest in the cognitive and linguistic ability of dolphins, as one of the more highly developed mammalian species. This is an opportunity to make advancements in dolphin/human interaction that other schools only dream of.
As it stands, the aquatic program members are especially angry, as they have to share the lanes with these playful companions. The water polo league has cancelled their season, and swimming laps is particularly difficult.
“I’ve been doing laps here for 39 years,” says long time Philosophy professor, Adam Adjunct. “I can’t do one lap without them making those damn clicky noises, and ramming my rear end with their snouts. People say they’re cute, but I don’t see it. I have to say, though, my self-esteem has never been better.”
Leave it to a dolphin to convert its harshest critics. I think this reporter is going to go for a swim now.
Like this? Read this: James St North Business Owners Go Nude to Protest Casino